Dating · Faith · God · sex · singlness · Uncategorized

I’m just the Christian hook up girl.

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Singleness; has to be one of the loneliest part of life. Because you literally are alone. Everything you do is alone. I’m not a clinger, but I’m kind a getting tired of being alone. Real tired of it. Singleness, has been the biggest test of my faith. I have failed this test of faith miserably! I lost my virginity to some random guy; because I was so sick of waiting. So sick of being alone. So sick of being a virgin. So sick of not knowing what sex was life. I question God’s goodness every single day because I’m single. I feel so distant from him.
There has to be a reason WHY . Everyone loves me. I ‘light up a room’, have a smile that touches people; and a soul that changes others.
This is what I have been told by others.
Fearfully and wonderfully made is what I have been told by Him.
I don’t feel any of those things. I just feel never ever enough. I’ll never be enough to go past hook up buddies, nor will I be enough for God to send a man to me.
I’m over praying and pleading with God. I’m over the shame that comes with being single. I can only thing of a few reasons why God has to be keeping me single.
Spoiler alert. They are depressing. If you are in the same boat as me. Get ready to feel as if you are not the only one. IF you are a person of faith. Reading with judgment. Get ready to see the pain of true singles.

1.I’ll probably be a horrible wife/ bad mom.
‘Find a good wife; found a good thing’ isn’t that how scriptures word it ? Nobody has found me yet . So could it be because I’m a bad thing ? Maybe God is preventing marriage because I would suck at it . I would be an awful wife. This I can live with. My roots are pretty evil. I know my parents did not model the best for me. I know I will have many demons to face. For years I did not want marriage because of this. If this is the case the WHY do I have this longing?!?! It’s like God is constantly tainting me. I can only assume; I’ll be a bad wife. That is why it has not happened yet .

2. Just not enough. Not pretty enough. Skinny enough. Smart enough . Rich enough. All thing this things God promises to look past and love us anyway. I can’t help but to wonder why then .Or point out the obvious. God can’t be my wedding date. I can’t go with him to pick out new décor for his new home. He can’t hold my hand and kiss me goodnight . So ironically; His love isn’t enough for me either.

3. Husband will die or cheat on me.
I feel like this would happen anyway. I’m already alone. Just so I’m avoiding less pain. Whatever, it has crossed my mine

 

It is too hard to trust God in this season. A season I’m not even sure will last just a season or last forever. I cannot do it anymore. I just can’t. I’m done waiting on empty promises. Walking out of the church doors; watching families and couples leave together as I drive home alone. It is too hard. It is much easier leaving a strangers place at 1 am. Then not being enough for a hook up to go past a hook up. I have learned that I’m simply not enough for God, or the world; or for love. I’m not crying. It will not change things. I’m done getting excited over dates.
I’m just the hook up girl.

There is SOME power in that . I no longer have to have emotions or feelings. IF this is my destiny. I can live it out . No more the sad little girl who gets rejected.
No more for asking more from anyone.
From God or the person I’m sleeping with.

I can’t do Christian singleness anymore. It’s too painful.

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Dating · Faith · God · sex · singlness · Uncategorized

I lost my virginity, because I was tired waiting on God for, ‘ The one ‘

I lost my virginity, because I was tired waiting on God for, ‘ The one ‘.

I’m 29 years old, it was not until I was 28 did my singleness start to bother me. I have always loved not being tied down. I have lived in several cities. Served the church and nonprofit organizations. I have never been tempted to ‘settle ‘ for just any guy , a child of divorce will do that to you. I have never felt that I needed someone to feel complete me nor have I felt once I have that ‘ring’ I could finally live on mission for Christ. When I felt burdened by my singleness, I felt so alone for all the resources that addressed issues of singleness were not relevant to me.
I wanted to write a blog on Christian singleness when I started to become irritated by singleness. Mainly because I was not finding much hope / answers in the resources online in within the church. I even reached out to local pastors and John Piper even answered one of my questions. I tried. I truly did. Just nothing seemed to help.
I just couldn’t come to peace with the fact that God never promised anybody someone. That truth stung. Like real bad. My entire life when I heard messages on singleness, I just never thought I’d be that girl wanting marriage. I wanted adventures not marriage after college (Which I did and I don’t regret it. As much as I desire marriage. I wouldn’t exchange my life to be married right out of college. Even if it means dying alone).
I was hurting and craving something that just couldn’t be comforted. The pain of being alone. Not alone on a Saturday night watching ‘ Golden Girls ‘ (that’s a marvelous part about being single. My time, my shows). It’s more of sitting in church and seeing families and couples. Being on vacation with your friends and seeing them cuddle on the couch with their significant others. While you sit alone. It’s being home for Christmas and seeing your siblings with their significant others .Hearing them talk about how they are managing the holidays between two families. And you’re sitting alone realizing you don’t even fully have your siblings as yours. You just have a half of family. You sit and watch your siblings and friends surpass you in life stages. It’s the constant reminder in the church that singles are just meant to serve (we become the busy bees). Or always in ‘marriage training ‘ even though the church claims that marriage isn’t the goal. The church seems to remind me that it was. From conflicts to roommates – “Well you know, this is a great learning experience because when you are married you will have to learn to work things out. Call me crazy , but I’m pretty certain marriage love and sleeping with someone helps you manage conflict, plus I’m thinking …… I’ll somewhat ACTUALLY like the person I marry or at least compatibility with them. I should learn to work things out because that’s the adult Christian thing to do). “When you have sex before marriage you are stealing something from your future husband.” Okay, maybe….But shouldn’t I deny sex for the glory of God, not man? Also, since when is my past sins contingent on future acceptance?

 

To make matters worse. Modern Dating is awful horrible and Christian dating is not any better.

Okay, side note. You are human. I’m 29 single. So I must be ugly, fat or weird?! Ugh, one of the most annoying thing about singleness is hearing your own self-doubt but also the doubt of others. Nope. Not ugly , healthy. Not fat I actually have a great body. I have been called beautiful by multiple people and I’m not talking about just my family. And I prefer the term, ‘adorkable’.
Modern dating: It’s a matter of do they like me or do they just want to sleep with me. Ghosting, back burning and bread crumbling does not make it even easier. When I was 28. I dived into this modern dating world. I have to say it was way better than the Christian way ( I’ll explain ). I went on several dates (probably 2/3 a month). Still no long term results. As much as it sucked. I wish I tried dating earlier in life. Simply because it’s, “normal”. I grew up with the influence of Joshua Harris. Where they first boy to ‘pursue ‘ me would be the ‘one’. That theology only led to emotional affairs of the mind. Dating helped me to see more of what I wanted and liked. How I clicked with some and not others. It was mixture of guys that liked me and I didn’t like them or vice a versa. Or getting rejected just because I just did not sleep with them.

Christina dating. Man, I’d rather have a ghosting experience or a super bad date than to ever return to this world. A world where the main connection you have with someone is them sitting next to you in city group or talking you at the coffee station. Giving you the full attention without ever making a move. Constantly being evaluated to see if you are ‘Christian’ enough.

Disclaimer: Ladies, we get sucked into this emotional world with them. Don’t picture yourself with them long term at all. Don’t overthink! Don’t see him as your husband and in any light! Until you are official. This rule applies in both dating worlds!!

Both left me still longing. The thought of being alone forever was a possibility just ran deeper into my mind. The thought of never having sex, never being someone’s person never waking up with someone. Just was unbearable. I felt as if God had abandoned me. I felt like it was pointless to pray to him because there was not even a chance of it ever happening. I felt remorse for being vulnerable to him. Praying my tears to him and still having no answer. I felt angry. I felt that it just was not fair. I felt like I could no longer trust him. He failed me just like everyone else has. I could not depend on him. I just did not want to become that 35/45/55/65 lady in church, still longing for a husband. The one that everyone knows is still single the one who everyone claims that she is a beacon of light, but inside their minds they pity her.

So it was the 2nd date. I did not see much of future with him at all. We ended up at his place. It just happened. It wasn’t awkward or painful. I was just hoping he didn’t know I was a virgin. It felt natural. I felt someone’s touch all night long. I woke up to with a warm body next to me a body that embraced me. I let someone see all of me. In dates I try to look my best. Between the makeup and outfits ( I’m pretty low key with my looks. By dressing up I mean, no leggings or pony tails). I know. This could end up me being alone (we hooked up again) or maybe led to a life of hooking up. I know the feelings I felt will never compare to love in a marriage.
Just, I’m not promised that anyways. So what’s the point in waiting? I can at least say that I’m not a virgin anymore. I have experienced being embraced all night by someone. I know this will end up in hurt. When he doesn’t text to see me again. When I feel rejected. Which after three other hook ups, I think time has come. Yes, it does hurt. But it’s not the normal hurt I’m used to. Attached is not a pain of ‘Forever alone again…one more guy that will not be your one’. It is the pain of rejection. It’s the pain for he just wanted my body not me. Since I mentally already went thinking that and was using him as well. It helps numb the pain of rejection. For I did not really want him anyways.

 

Just, I rather have that pain than facing a Christian guy in church who passes me by. Or getting ghosted because I chose not to sleep with him. Or being alone in church, family events. I think the reason why is because I chose that pain. I knew where it would get me. Rather than a blind trust that kept leaving me heartbroken. I haven’t given up on my faith. I know God’s love is true. That he is in control. Just I rather die sleeping around than die alone. Even if that comfort of others isn’t true.